January 15, 2021
Captain's log - supplemental
I miss my home. Working within the confines of Earth has been so hard for me. It is at such times projects like these help me move forward. It is a very beautiful place far from here, where the skies glow purple and the people flourish with an unprecedented freedom.
I still must wait for rescue. But the waiting is torture amidst more torture. Sometimes I wish I didn't know. But I'm very glad to know...it's helped me survive and grow stronger. The emotions I feel are very complicated.
One thing is certain; I'm never coming back once the mission is over. I despise this world.
January 3, 2021
Upcoming v1.3 beta
My to-do list is complete at the moment, but further testing is needed.
First I'd like to say that a fix is coming for Advanced Estates, the only bug I created with 1.2. Think about it this way - it's still better than the original version's! -_-
I'm gonna quickly run through some of the bigger changes. Towns which sold ammo carts now sell first aid tents instead. YES! Specifically fire magic has been improved, and Town Portal is now fire-elemental to boost it further while giving some much-needed tuning to earth magic.
The last big grab in this upcoming version - Artifacts. The old Eagle Eye artifacts now boost Learning instead! DOUBLE YES. The bonus is incredible since it is additive (unlike e.g. Archery artifacts) and requires the skill to take effect. Additionally, health-boosting and surrender cost reduction artifacts are more impactful. Further, some artifact treasure classes (and costs) have been adjusted to balance new-found effectivity.
P.S. Due to the ongoing nature of this whole 'beta' thing (sorry about that) I'm going to start outlining in each version exactly why I have deemed it such a version so it can be understood up front. Thus far, it's all very minor.
November 4, 2020
Manall's HoMM3 - v1.2 beta
Hey there, stopping in quickly to say I have published the new version! As the previous article states at the bottom, a few *new* specialties will not have new icons. There is nothing I can do about this presently so the text and descriptors will have to be enough. Out of everything that could go wrong, I'd say this is the least impactful. So that's good.
Anyway, LOTS of heroes have been changed, and all creature-specialists have received an update to their formulas. I say it's about time. I don't know what they were thinking with the original scaling bonuses. They were only good for the +1 speed. Sadly, we must part ways with the speed bonus but what you do get will be far more tangible and immediately beneficial. Enjoy~
October 30, 2020
Hell yeah! It's time for this year's carving. His eyes were smoking super hard. This here is Costragamench, a janitor who cleans a certain pirate shark's sunken ship. He failed in life as a chef (he could never master the wedding cake), and now spends his days sweeping the excess bones and dust from the path of his gilled overlord.
Now for something completely different. Today I listened to "Fever" by Judas Priest. In the song, Rob sings about how he used to stay at home in seclusion, hiding from the world in darkness and despair. I realized I had not listened to this song since 2015.
I used to sing along to this track, but I always felt sad doing so. What he recounted as the past was my present, and by all accounts it was my foreseeable future. I really believed that. It was like a dream to imagine myself beyond my struggles or being as worthless as everyone ever told me I was.
Costragamench "Menchy" the Sweeper
Five years later, I listen to it proudly. I made it out of that darkness in one piece! It wasn't easy, and sometimes it still isn't - but I'm very fortunate. I have to stop occasionally and remind myself of where I am and how things used to be. I used to hate everything. But now I have a family I never knew I had, full of the best people I could ever have at my side. As he says later in the song, destiny has brought us (again) so close together, and all at once it feels so right.
This song once marked a depressing period, and at the time I almost felt more cemented by its words. Now, I feel the feeling of being on the other side. I see the result of climbing through and becoming a survivor. This is very valuable to me.
I expect the coming days to impart massive change. I'm so excited I just want to jump out of my skin and into my old body, but that will have to wait for another day. I have a feeling those days will be here before I know it. Compared to before, knowing nothing of my origin or who all once mattered so dearly to me, the idea of holding out seems like plain sailing to me.
For those of you listening to (and reading) virtually everything I say and write at this point...I love you. And thanks for that view of the ship! The stars were beautiful.
By the way, I'm working on an intentionally beta release for "Manall's HoMM3" - v1.2. This release is going to focus almost exclusively on hero improvements and on creating new variety. A few hero specialties will change, but the icons when viewing their specialty will not. This is due to the insufficient third party software available to implement these edits. All text and functionality will be correct. So, just ignore the icons. It will be a beta version in this way for as long as this issue persists, and since the last version for the only program I know of which can do what I need is from... ahem... 2004... yeah, I'll probably be off world by then.
For now I'll tease you with this - a proper Learning specialist is coming!
October 23, 2020
The World Isn't Ending in November.
Do you realize how futile that would be for the tyrants who run your everyday lives? It would be akin to setting all one's action figures and playthings on fire, only to weep amidst the ashes! Never would it cross the mind of a villain in power to decimate their own population of slaves, giving up their fantasy without cause. The game must go on a while longer, I'm afraid.
Give it up; your insufferable quest to manufacture drama amidst your less-than-mediocre, shortcoming-riddled lives is going to fail.
We have already seen the very much intact future of the upcoming cycle (and far beyond that). So yeah. World's not going anywhere, unfortunately. It will probably be several centuries before anything meaningful changes around here, so don't get your hopes up. Instead, do someone you know a favor, and politely explain they should stop preaching that dramatic, uninformed trash. It is not true in literal or partial meaning.
The goal of the current propaganda machine is only to spread hate, fear and uncertainty. It's rather boring, really. I'm continually amazed at how often millions will sing along to the same tune without even seeing the pawns they've allowed themselves to be.
Rest assured, this end outcome will not be noteworthy in the long run.
October 19, 2020
Manall's FF1: 7 from 700
So um.. never thought I'd be writing something like this, but since version 2.0 alone, Manall's FF1 is just seven away from 700 downloads!
Insert all the usual things people say...but damn. I'm glad to see that mountain of work has inspired some positive reviews. I really felt I saw an untreaded path for a new twist on the gameplay and that I carved it out exactly how I wanted.
Many of these downloads came after the news article made its way into the pages of history on romhacking.net. No one can rule the top page forever, but it gives everyone a chance to hit the ground running for publicity. I'm very grateful for that, and I'm proud to see how often new people seek it out post-release on their own, without the aid of a news post.
There were many moments near completion where I could have settled, but I refused and did an enormous amount of playthroughs to get everything right. As many mods and assets as I've appreciated from others, it is nice to contribute something after all that time.
...and who DOESN'T love that sexy little green mage?!
October 5, 2020
Sup. Go get it, check out the patch notes; Manall's D2 v1.7a is live. Your future shapeforging career will thank you.
I fixed some shit and added some shit. All of it's good, unless you're one of those people who likes bad games.
October 4, 2020
That's right bitches, I altered the future. Another update is coming. I realized there were more things to do. Sorry, just download it again once it's released. You'll be glad you did.
There's gonna be some adjustments, a couple fixes, and a focus on making the rare shit in Mirror Forest a bit easier to obtain. Don't worry, it's still hard to get. I'm gonna adjust some items and a few gems too. I'll also include a horadric cube recipe oversight fix that currently really screws up shapeforging certain types of items.
Everything on my to-do list is done already, I'm just waiting to see if anything else comes to me last minute before I pack it up. It'll be out soon, and then I promise I'll quit flooding you guys with shit loads of versions. :D
September 22, 2020
Manall's D2 v1.7 Release
Correctly added and rearranged a few patch notes, mainly for the Angelic set
Also hotfixed a serious bug where trying to set a helmet's sockets to 3 would destroy your helmet and give unpredictable results.
PLEASE REDOWNLOAD THE MOD FOR THIS FIX. APOLOGIES FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
It's been two whole cycles since the last major update to this mod! For a time, I thought 1.6 might be the last. It would seem this project is destined to improve with age :)
Head over to the version history section to see what all has been changed in 1.7. Pretty much everything I mentioned previously was done, along with a host of other changes. There are changes to crafting! As well, I cut some fat regarding unique items, and took this opportunity to spruce up some classic D2 items as well. I've said it before but please, ASSUME ALL ITEM-RELATED CHANGES ARE NOT RETROACTIVE! Additional details may of course be found in the documentation, which has been updated for this release.
This is the last major update I plan to make for this mod. That is to say, I haven't yet seen a future where the major version goes beyond 1.7. Something dumb might happen and a small hotfix version theoretically could get pushed out, but that's it for now.
A shout-out to my fan club who've been playing 1.6 - I salute you and sincerely hope you enjoy! And if any of you play a build with Dark Scholar, I would like your feedback on its current and past performance. Thanks!
September 18, 2020
Finally, the estimated time was correct. Soon it will be possible for work on music to resume!!
It feels like it's been forever...
I said this once before, but don't count on hearing a damn thing this year. Things are about to get dicey. My fingers are crossed for next year if things settle in time. Who knows! Maybe shit will roll faster than I expect. What I do know - the plan is going well. :)
I'd like to apologize again for the lack of music. SO much has happened, and before I...arrived here...music was merely a hobby of mine, not my job. So being committed to it daily became more and more challenging over time. I learned I needed to work in bursts. This shift has greatly improved the quality of my output.
That said, in absence of new material I'd like to give an exposition dump as a sort of appetizer on where things currently stand, as I feel relatively certain about the path I'm going to be taking.
First, I've got some artwork that I'm really excited to share when the time comes! I think I mentioned before that I have two projects on the table, didn't I? Well, between the two are comprised fifteen songs. The first project sports the first five and the last ten will come out with the second. There are several advantages to this smaller first project - it lets me show I still exist, for one. Further, the sound has changed considerably over time and I desire to maintain consistency between and within these releases.
A couple (two, if you're wondering) tracks on project #2 are actually from the original lineup of the first planned release. I made this change because they fit very thematically in the new(er) project and their sound is not as dependent on "album constants" like a majority of songs tend to be. Their greater emphasis on freeform and ambience has been kind in allowing me to make this change seamlessly.
I hope all this makes sense. It is a greatly condensed version of all the madness which took place many months ago, where I reorganized my plans considerably. I'm saying all this because I'm pretty sure I never actually explained what I was doing.
I am not going to rush either project, but rest assured - with prior knowledge of the future in which they exist (and sound amazing!) I can promise you they'll be here soon enough. Even without my own personal desire to see this through, I must fulfill a request to do these songs justice, one that came from someone very special to me. I have written about her before, though only a few know who she is.
But that'll soon change. ♥
September 16, 2020
Oh god. My instincts were right...wow. You humans really are missing out :D
Hooo boy am I ecstatic.
By the way, expect that Diablo update before the end of the month.
September 7, 2020
A new update is coming for the Diablo II mod.
Currently, nothing is in development. It's a little bit more time consuming to push updates for this mod, since there are lots more moving parts. That said, I thought you might enjoy if I shared some of the ideas I've planned so far!
I want to improve some of the new items, such as through better level requirements. Most item changes aren't going to be retroactive - be aware of this please - and I can't honestly recall if level requirements are among the retroactive changes. Maybe. Anyway, I also would like to add some info to the documentation about forge keys, sirens and also describe new formulas/enchanting in greater detail. To that end, I'm interested in redesigning the current "Opulence" enchant as well; I do not think it is worth the cost and its uniqueness is...lacking. I'll be looking at boosting Crusader, and any others I think need adjustments as well.
This isn't an exhaustive list, but it should give you an idea of what's coming. Everyone is free to contact me with realistic suggestions, as long as you remember I am under no obligation to follow them. I foresee this process being like the 1.1 update for my HoMM3 mod - I'll spend some time vacuuming up ideas and gripes for improvement before I begin.
September 5, 2020
I think I have discovered a secret.
Actually, I'm not even totally sure it's for real. Yet. The current atmosphere of things leads me to believe I'm at least close with my guesses. I've had a minor amount of super-ambiguous "help" ...more like the campfire has been poked a couple times. No one's told me I'm wrong. So I pursue.
Yeah, you're really wondering what the hell I'm on right now. Okay - point is even if I'm not right on the money, this curiosity of mine has taught me some interesting things about life outside Earth which I'd obviously forgotten. Mainly it shows how family structure can be quite different from what humans consider normal, taboo or non-negotiable. The difference being? Out there, beyond the confines of these hellish prison quarters, people are trusted to do many things you simply won't find here!
My theories are my own; the basis comes from my experience, memories and instincts. Everyone is very busy on the ship right now, and realistically there isn't time presently to stop and advise on one of my non-essential personal quests. Methinks while it may not yet be time for me to learn it all, perhaps the day is not so distant that I must remain completely in the dark. Truly, my first attempt to solve this months ago resulted in a dead end. Things do not feel as one-sided this time.
Anyway, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a culture that doesn't value the family structure at all. That's not what I'm getting at here. What I'm really saying - and I may eat my words for expressing this prematurely if it turns out to be so - I think I am beginning to understand other cultures' ways of embracing closeness. Something in between what you earthlings consider family; what you consider deep-seated love.
And you guys are missing out.
[August 16, 2020]
Do Not Interfere
(Today's entry isn't so much an update as it is me feeling like writing, and moreover I need to address someone. It'll likely confuse you otherwise, and that's okay - you can safely skip this update. I hope to have more of substance in the art department to share later, though it's looking like a music release will need to hold off until your 2021.)
My advice for you: there is nothing you can hope to accomplish...you are hardly of consequence in our plan. If you aren't going to listen then get out of the way, go and be a disgrace by yourself...You have nothing to fear from us unless you interfere, in which case you should know my own abilities are manifesting quite well even at this early stage. Don't believe me? You've already been influenced to aid our cause in the past... Do not interfere.
Oh, on an unrelated note...as much as I know you'd like one, there will be no war...heehee. And even if there were, you'd be long gone before it arrived. :)
August 13, 2020
Ramble Gamble Preamble
WELL then... I said stuff might get pushed into July. And now I'm being quoted an estimated SEPTEMBER?! I wanted to be working in the studio again MUCH sooner...
Luckily, I've had plenty to keep me going. For example I've just recently been trying out the "definitive edition" re-release of Age of Empires 2. Looks amazing. The feel is there, with tons of new civilizations (I never played the unofficial expansions). I have a LOT of campaigns to dive into. Somehow, siege weapons are even more satisfying. There are some questionably dumb balance decisions, but fortunately the game supports my old modding tools! Amazing! Aside from the occasional lack of proofreading, or the absence of more detailed tooltips, a lot of care has been taken to do this title's legacy some justice.
And wow, I never realized how bad I am at this game; I've been smacked down so hard by the new AI. But they even allow you to switch between three different VERSIONS of AI! That's incredibly useful! Of course the difficulty can be adjusted as always, and each slot can be a different AI. The flexibility is unparalleled.
I also realized just today I missed one little tidbit about the first of two new Eisbrecher albums coming soon - the title! It will be called Schicksalsmelodien, or Melodies of Destiny.
I had a feeling their music would have some growing up to do soon, given some of the subject material covered by the previous effort. It is rare for a band to reverse course once they've started down this path, so I'm curious to see what it is they have to say. The title is already a dead giveaway that something has changed. I am all for a departure into a new sea of adventure from the boys! October can't get here soon enough.
Oh and! I got my hormone regimen updated for the first time. I'm freakishly excited about this. It's been all I can think about for a few days. When one has knowledge of the future, it really helps to reassure in terms of progression. Heehee. The best of this journey lies ahead and I feel more comfortable and confident with where it's headed than ever. I'm SO EXCITED OH MY GOD.
July 27, 2020
Quick Correction for Diablo!
Today I submitted an update to the documentation for the D2 mod. The game is unchanged; the manual's Classes section had lots of typos (embarrassing) that needed to be fixed, as a few were actually misleading.
This is due to old and new info getting accidentally mixed together as a result of previous attempted consolidation efforts. A few little bugs slipped through the cracks, and for that I apologize... it was a shit load of data. It has since been fixed!
There is one more minor update, the mod's PlugY extension now ships with Item Level Display set to ON by default. This is how it was always intended to be. I didn't consider this big enough of a reason to issue a 1.6e, but if you don't want to download 1.6d again to get this fixed you can do it yourself very easily:
First, open your Manall's D2 v1.6d folder. Find "PlugY.ini" and open it in Notepad. Scroll to the bottom and find "ActivateDisplayItemLevel=0" as part of the Extras section. Set this value to 1, and save. Done!
Again, for anyone who doesn't feel like doing this, I've already done it for you and you need only redownload the mod and replace your old PlugY.ini file with the new one. Trying my best to keep things up to date and polished for everyone. Thank you all for the interest!
July 26, 2020
Mods, music. Art, style, continuity.
Did some website stuff today. Mod pages have a new version history section, which collects all changes I ever documented in one place. There are a few missing versions toward the beginning I have no record of, but they also completely don't matter because each game changed so much between 1.0 and today; nothing important was lost (and as I said, I never documented any of it to begin with.)
The truth is all that old stuff - and this is the case with my music as well - really didn't measure up until I started homing in on what I was doing for a few years. I never set out to make some huge project. It happened that way in the end, but this was never the starting goal. These projects typically start out as 'tinker hubs', mostly consisting of me messing around with a sprite edit or playing with sounds for my own personal satisfaction. As I learned to realize their potential, I also learned to measure the potential of future projects before investing the time.
What I would take away from that if you or anyone you know is in a position like this and needs advice: to make something good, you have to make something bad first. I know - no one wants to hear that, and neither did I - but hear this: it's not principally because you suck. Merely, you need to develop and integrate well two key assets, which I consider to be the cornerstones of all art: a style, and a sense of continuity. Only then can you begin to apply your life to the many facets of what it is you are trying to do. This is what people mean when they say they've "put their heart and soul" into something. Before you know it you're on your way.
July 18, 2020
ES WIRD KALT!
Hohooo boy. There are TWO Eisbrecher albums coming - erst im Oktober, die nächste kommt März!
Luckily I dug deep and found this, or I might not have known for a while! Their website has never been the most up-to-date. This band is a huge inspiration to me, and after the recent BS it's nice to know something has come of being trapped in the studio all this time! Their previous record was about 1/2 genius, so two on the way is very interesting...they have never done this before and have graced the world with so many lovely melodies and punches over the years. Ich liebe sie so sehr. ♥
I have a tiny prophecy to share. It is nothing short of a glimpse into the future. However, its true meaning will be veiled for one year. With that said, if you can figure it out before then, good for you! It's really not too difficult. The prophecy has got something to do with...us. I hereby submit that everything contained within is true - past, present and future.
I challenge you to solve it before then!
July 11, 2020
Welcome to the New Site! ♥
A lot has changed around here since last we met! I hope you like the new look. Much more cozy! I got that banged out a lot faster than I anticipated. Excitement is good motivation. From now on, you'll be able to come here for anything to do with my modding, blog or music. No more going between websites!
For modding, I've made new PDF guides containing all the chart information the old mods site had; I cleaned them up a bit because I'm just that nice of a gal. These have been added to each mod's download folder - nothing else has changed about any of the mods. The D2 mod is only v1.6d because I edited the website display in game. Heehee.
Additionally lyrics, artwork and download links have been posted for all my music for the first time! Everything is all here, and I don't foresee another major change for as long as I'm stuck on Earth.
So get comfy!
For anyone who hasn't been paying attention to the sheer insanity that has been my music diary recently (or you know, since I figured out who I really am) let me quickly reinforce that yes, I'm alive - and just because my youtube channel hasn't seen any adds lately, that doesn't make me 'dead'. I write all the time.
I have a lot of great songs that aren't finished yet. Right now I cannot work on anything meaningfully, so I've been keeping busy through literally any other means, giving way to niceties like this new website you're staring at. Now that I've simplified a LOT of stuff externally and internally, it'll be easier and more fun to do releases.
I'm also done making major edits to my mods for the time being. If you've been to the old mods site recently you probably noticed there were a ton of upgrades in 2020. My heart wants to get a music release out this year, and that depends greatly on some future events I am not able to disclose ... please wait for me, no matter how long it takes.
And seriously, enjoy what the new site has to offer!
July 6, 2020
Contains July 8 Updates
I'm happy to report that a huge website change is coming - soon! Much work has to be done behind the curtain to prepare, however I will tell you my plan, in true stereotypical cartoon villain fashion.
The old website (the one you're reading right now) will not redirect to the new site when it's finished, though there will probably be a giant blinking banner around here showing you where to go. In the meantime I will try not to need to make additional updates until it's ready.
There I will finally house all of music, modding and blogging under one roof - with a shiny new domain! I think all those years without one have earned me that much. Due to my impatience with other web designers I'll be sticking with what I know, but I'll be giving it a new look, while keeping it simple. I have preliminaries in the works and I like where things are headed. Exciting!
Oh, and another thing - all references to the old URL will be going away.
Most important are the music and modding changes. My mod download pages will be remade here, with new .pdf guides to preserve the charts I made for each mod. I cannot recreate those detailed tables on this platform. So I decided to save my ass a load of work, giving you easy, convenient, remote access to the source meanwhile actually acquiring a new and more organized website & domain this side of the fucking decade.
Regarding music, for the first time I will list a collection of my youtube content complete with lyric sheets and MP3 (and WAV where applicable) download links available to everyone, free of youtube compression artifacts. YAY!
I hope you like the changes that are coming. Since I've got time before music starts up again I figure this is a good opportunity. It'll really make my life easier, and as I said I'm excited to finally be doing this after years of wanting. I've also noticed a bit of cross-interest between my music and mods, what with the FF1 mod's popularity over at romhacking.net, and that's really awesome!! I'd like to encourage that as much as possible, so that's just one more reason to make this transition.
Anyhoo, stick around! ♥
June 27, 2020
Now I need to buy THREE new TRS cables. Guess I could use some new ones anyway...
You know I don't know for sure but I'm willing to bet a long time ago all this shit wasn't so complicated. I also am willing to bet being a composer was a lot more respectable back home.
June 20, 2020
Fixing Up the Mixup (Kinda)
OKAY, one more minor shakeup, and this is just one of those where I thought it over some more and organized it better. Remember that spring overhaul I mentioned? Yeah well, it's not even spring anymore.
Here's what's gonna happen first, as in it's already happened as of you reading this:
- A lot of old shit is being taken off Youtube. It (the lot of old shit) was a collection of learning processes, and it's neither studio quality material, nor anything I want out there giving me any kind of name. Most notably - Classica will not be listed anymore, along with a few other scattered demos, etc..
- I'm going to be reorganizing the channel to bring it up to standards. Pretty simple. I'll also be editing a lot of video descriptions to be less bloated and ridiculous.
- The remastering and remixing shit I was talking about doing will probably come after the new material. I'm basically splitting up the work into pieces and spreading it out over time based on priority. Due to the forecast for the next couple of years, I am not going to have time to work on both this side project and new songs...I'm sure you all want new stuff - and I agree! There is a small chance you could see this done sooner, but don't count on it. Seriously.
So that's it. Trying my best here to keep this stuff manageable and up to date. Hopefully none of this needs to be revised again.
June 9, 2020
I'm thinking about the plan a lot today. Not the music one! I'm hoping that kicks in around July. I mean the grand plan.
I am reminded of several thoughts...thoughts I had before my role in this grand plan came into being. Some of them occurred years prior, some mere weeks, months before. I look back at when I had these thoughts of absolute confidence, each of them about the future, and realize one thing:
All of them came true. Exactly as they were imagined to be. Or were they imagined? Heehee.
Until recently, it felt as though nearly everyone in my life had been sent to doubt me, separate me from and degrade me for who I really am. And I never gave up. Not once. I've willingly been 'the bad guy' in situations for decades in order to fight for what I believe to be right, against abusive Earth garbage. And now, these days, I know why I kept fighting. I now have something to fight for.
There are some who are so broken, jealous and blind they would still stop at nothing to tear me down. They have already failed. The future is written on this subject, and I as well as all of my colleagues and family have seen it. The forces on our side are so great these...people...cannot hope to do anything but fail! I do not normally hope for revenge...but karma is a savage retributor.
I said change was coming months ago. I wonder if anyone who heard me, believed me? These stubborn, distrusting, ignorant types are doomed to repeat themselves, and are the subject of analysis in countless stories written by countless authors, who have all experienced these tragic beings. It's all the same, mostly. I pity them, but I do not yield to them.
But I can tell you this - the change isn't over. This is just the beginning.
June 1, 2020
[Part 10] A plan!
Holy crap. I think I've got a music plan. If only I could yunno...start it. Blegh. So many delays! And this one isn't even my fault! (The rest of them definitely were) Sooo, I'm gonna be sitting on this one for at least a few weeks. I really hope it isn't too long, I love what I've got in mind. I've been tinkering with some artwork in the meanwhile, and I'm quite pleased.
Look, I KNOW. It's been forever. Music was once all I had, so it went faster. In the 'old days' the quality didn't always age gracefully because I was very early in my learning. It was more about proving it could be done, rather than how polished it could get. My standards and taste have changed. Most of all, I remember who I am, and after being stuck alone on this hellhole for two decades. That was kind of a meteor strike on my life for a while.
I will share a little tidbit with you. I have loved music for much longer than my time here. In my past, it was a hobby. Down here, I cannot do my main job, but even so I can't go ham on music ALL the time, lest I lose the passion for it. And I want to produce the best material I can!
SO, what does this all mean? All the slowdowns, the delays, the personal changes - they've all had a hand in improving my (as yet unreleased) material. It is in my being to write, create, sing and play. I know I do not produce at the rate this content-hungry planet would like, but I don't give a shit. My own interests, satisfaction and passion come way, WAY before that.
Anyway, yadda yadda, good shit's coming. Still. Hoping sometime late this year.
May 8, 2020
I've got fifteen songs to whip into ship-shape. But can I do it in a reasonable time frame?
I had nooo idea it was gonna take so long to get back into things. Hell, for a while I didn't wanna do it at all. But I don't feel that way anymore. Let me just say family takes precedence over my humble Earth musings. (Seriously though, I really am back at working on them again.)
Come to think of it, I had no idea what family was before. It's certainly not what I grew up believing it to be, and its meaning goes above and beyond the best one can find down here.
I sometimes think about how this is all kind of like a crazy Earth movie no one will see. No one is ready for a plot this thick. It would destroy most people. So it's like, you get what you can handle, that's it. We can't risk any more than that. It is frustrating at times; they act as though they know everything and judge with so little, when they lack the knowledge of our collective loss, pain, joy, love, sacrifice, and determination.
May 3, 2020
[Part 8] Rant: I wish irredeemable people
weren't allowed to partake in 'smart things'.
Note - I didn't say dumb people. Lack of experience is one thing anybody can work on, and that presence of intent is usually recognizable. I am talking about the ones who cloak themselves in 'smart things' because they have merely judged them to be useful.
I can't imagine being the type who sees a thing that 'looks smart' and deciding to use it only as a shield. So...you know it's better than you, but you aren't actually using it to be better...it is like having a gym membership you never use, or a wall of guitars you never play. However today's society is raised on a hilariously vain, media-spun concept: Appearance is Life. So now, no one is taught to judge reality, much less dream for better. 2020 culture lives entirely in a past tense while believing to be living the present. It has been manipulated to this state for decades and it is still my prediction (haven't I stated that on record before?) that twenty more years will see a complete reshaping of western society: ashes.
And no, religious prophecy isn't responsible for this. There are many correct observations about the 'human' (spiritual) condition contained in religious texts, but collectively you're looking at the equivalent of a blanket judgment of the universe which uses nothing but a set of clumsy, tunnel-vision, millennia-old weather forecasts. That's BEFORE adding in the absurd notion of deities. And that's STILL being generous. THEY WERE LITERALLY DESIGNED TO DECEIVE PEOPLE. And still we have morons whose lives are utterly meaningless without a book. That's fucking pathetic.
...I know there are millions of those types on Earth, and none of them are special, but god damn, I'm sick of it. Why are there so many of them, and why are they never punished? They never learn, adapt or apologize, all the while ruining themselves at the expense of others. Maybe they exist just to be avoided, like grey items in an RPG. The difference being grey items don't have a soul. Actually, I'm not sure about that last...
Come to think of it, no one is taught to do much of anything properly on Earth. Out there in the ever-expanding universe, you can do many, many things. You have the time, resources, support and education to do so. Here, most people can't even figure out how to do one thing well, and by the time you do you're usually dead or too old to use what knowledge you have. Humans die SO fast. And then you reset with nothing and have to start all over again.
For a lot of us, our origin stories are beaten out of us as children by our shit families, or processed away through "psychiatric evaluation". I am a fortunate victim in that I have already begun to rediscover my true nature, though I am lucky in many more ways than that. One day I may just describe each of those ways right here in plain detail. Maybe no one will believe me, but I don't give a shit. I don't write this blog to convince the average dumbass. I write it for people who have enough brain cells to rub together prior, and want something new to do with them. If you've been following along and can read between the lines, you already know what's really going on. If not, then I advise you skip blog entries with square brackets in the title.
Anyway. Irredeemable people are often so because of their unwillingness to take in and use new information to better themselves, and because of their oft-abusive and enabling behavior. Most idiots are enablers, and as a species you guys are going to be struggling to get rid of these types for a very long time. That struggle isn't one I will have to be a part of, thankfully. I never earned this fate in the first place. For the rest, my heart goes out to you. This isn't about me! Stand up to these wastes of existence to better YOURSELVES - while you can. For now, all I can give are the breadcrumbs I leave here. It is better (and safer) for everyone involved.
I didn't start this blog seven years ago to sugarcoat anything. During my time on this awful planet I have always tried to be the one shedding light where it is unwelcome; those are the places light need shine most. It is my experience that those who claim to do the same but with false intentions often dwell in darkness.
April 8, 2020
ONE MORE FOR MODDING!
April 13 Update: All three of my big mods have received updates this week! Back to the world of music.
Check out the mods site! A minor update for my Diablo mod is out, with auto gold pickup and easier, more compact installation!
April 5, 2020
APRIL FOOLS BITCHES
I BET YOU BELIEVED THAT SHIT. NOTHING HAS BEEN CANCELLED - THE MOD IS OUT TODAY!
Head over to the mods site to read all about it and get it for yourself! And, I've got one more nice little update coming very soon!
Warning: basic reading comprehension is required to fully enjoy this game.
April 1, 2020
(April Fools!) Bad News for the Mod
Well, I had hoped I'd never have to post something like this, especially considering the amount of effort that has gone into the project since May of last year. Regarding the FF1 project - I simply can't get this project done; I have too many other things to do.
It started in 2017 as a tiny little edit; a few improvements or changes here and there...but then, that's how it always starts. Fast forward to July 2019 and I really thought I had a juggernaut in the making, so I stayed with it.
Recently it hasn't been going the best and I've tried my best to keep the ship sailing in the right direction but I need to devote my attention to other things. Maybe I'll come back to it someday when I have more time...that seems to quite the commodity these days. I didn't mean to lead anyone on for this long, it just sort of happened this way. I promise good things are on the way.
March 22, 2020
Hello! Back in action from a little vacation. What a ride.
At first, I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do, or find out in the meantime. Several times I thought I had figured it out, but it would appear the timeline has somewhat been altered. I suspect I know why. As I understand it, this does not matter in the long run, which is good because my own faith had admittedly been shaken for a day or two.
During that time, my thoughts were kind of glued to "Why the hell did we even come here in the first place?", though I realize now it's just going to be a little bit different than originally expected. My money is on different, not worse.
That aside, I have lots to catch up on if I'm going to handle it all. I've got a mod to release, another mod to fix up, a music project to finish, a youtube channel to renovate, a website to build, old tracks to remix, and I've written seven new songs each in less than a day's time.
I am also anticipating something which will mark the first major step in the plan.
March 4, 2020
[Part 6] To Esme - My Spirit Animal Whom No One Yet Knows
You are wonderful.
You are kind, soft and caring.
Loving, wholesome and sharing.
You give so much, and your soul is rich with sparkle and detail.
If angels were real, you'd be first in command.
Out of a fairy tale and into the universe, you truly embody the best of us.
But it is not how much you give that silhouettes your beacon of hope to others.
It is your gentle spirit, your creativity. Your passion; your love.
We've been apart for many cycles now...that is something I deeply regret.
Soon this will change, and I will find a way to make it up to you when we've reached the stars once again.
Until then, I will reach new heights for you.
I will struggle, fight and care for you.
I wish for you to be a symbol of peace and bravery in a broken, battered world.
I want your life to taste sweeter than mine.
You deserve it all and more.
And when it's time for us to go...I hope you're ready for the galaxy's biggest hug.
March 2, 2020
Two words about my efforts today: Pink Floyd.
February 23, 2020
Change is coming; some good..some bad. Most of it good. But make no mistake, change is coming.
When it does, you will remember this post. And if I am delusional, how could I have known? Even for the lowest of low life forms on this planet, there comes a point where denial fails to excuse failure and incompetence.
That point is coming. Soon.
...by the way, did anyone notice the last update was made on 2/20/2020? That's four twos, three zeroes, and three twenties! This sort of thing won't happen again for another 1010 years!
See you then! :D
February 20, 2020
[Part 4] I am not who you think I am.
I am not who you think I am.
I have solved a concept I'd been grinding against for a while - our personality type does not change between lives! Strengths and weaknesses are forcibly edited to do so, but the spirit cannot be altered.
This suggests an interesting flaw in the soul prison around Earth that I was previously unaware of. I'm not sure if this is because of the damage inflicted upon it in recent centuries, or if it was just made that way. It would suggest its makers weren't as intelligent as I thought. They tried to simulate total spiritual death (by editing pieces for millennia until the remnants are unrecognizable) but this is obviously flawed; it cannot be done in actuality. I'd say they got close enough. But 'close enough' is why it will ultimately fail.
This discovery also led me to realize all or most of the truly terrible people (including the overwhelming amount of corrupt guardians on this planet) were all or mostly placed here deliberately. I haven't the foggiest why that would be! It would seem no one wants these people around.
As somebody said better than I could have, I would never wish this place upon anyone. But I CAN understand why such a person would be sent here. My main quarrel with this whole setup is that innocents are treated the same as the guilty. I guess no one cared enough to do anything about it, and so what you get it essentially an inescapable, chaotic vacuum that doesn't discriminate.
But it reminds me of the people I most abhorred in my time here. I wonder how many of them - and which ones - were abandoned here because of their insufferably base qualities. Unsurprisingly, this place was designed to deceive them, and so it has. Even in the face of enlightenment, they will not accept because they are too damaged. I just don't know whether I should pity them, forget about them, or both.
Luckily, it seems the powers that be don't really care if you know - as long as you don't inform the masses. Since I have no desire to do that (and I doubt anyone would believe what I say), I see nothing wrong with discussing such topics here!
Those who need to know will know. The others will either doubt, or be confused.
February 17, 2020
I have discovered some unfortunate news: my mods website will vanish in 2021.
That gives me one year to find a replacement.
What this means is I will have an opportunity to finally merge the two websites together into a new one - with a new name. And, I just want to get this out of the way now - you will definitely hear further news of this. Nothing is going to just suddenly disappear. When I migrate everything over, I'll be leaving a note in place of what was once this website so everybody knows where to go!
Believe me when I say these two websites have caused me endless trouble, and I'd much prefer one pain in the ass over two. Trouble is, almost all the builders out there, free or paid, look THE SAME. A giant wallpaper with a tiny little navbar. I want nothing to do with this generation of humongous windows 8-style squares everywhere with no actual theme or substance. I have already been through dozens, and I've hated them all.
At the end of the day, this'll be a good thing because I'll get to have everything in one place for a change! That will come with a new design, and I'll hopefully never need a new website again.
P.S. I'd like to give a shout out and fuck-you to Google for terminating the superior of my two websites, one of which I'm about to make a major release on and have spent months fine tuning my guide for. Life is complicated enough without getting shat on by you guys AGAIN.
February 12, 2020
Did anyone else notice the similarities?
Does anyone recall the themes at play?
When the truth is laid bare, it will destroy a few in order to save many.
Six fallen angels are about to be reunited. Three obstacles remain.
I honestly hope you think this will go away.
As an antihero I admit, I can't wait to show you how wrong you are.
February 8, 2020
We have one collective hope - the Earth.
And yet, uncounted people remain hopeless.
Famine and calamity abound...
Sufferers hurl themselves into the arms of war.
People kill and get killed in the name of someone else's concept of God.
Dare we admit that our thoughts and behaviors
spring from a belief that the world revolves around us?
...Each fabricated conflict, self-murdering bomb, vanished airplane...
every fictionalized dictator, biased partisan, and wayward son...
are part of the curtains of society's racial, ethnic, religious, national and cultural conflicts?
...and you find the human ego turning the knobs, and pulling the levers.
When I track the orbits of asteroids, comets and planets,
each one a pirouetting dancer in a cosmic ballet,
choreographed by the forces of gravity,
I see beyond the plight of humans.
I see a universe - ever-expanding,
with its galaxies embedded within the ever-stretching fabric of space and time
However big our world is...and our hearts, our minds, our outsize atlases...
The universe is even bigger.
There are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on the world's beaches...
...more stars in the universe than seconds of time that have passed since Earth formed...
...more stars than words and sounds ever uttered by all humans who have ever lived.
The day we cease exploration of the cosmos
is the day we threaten the continuance of our species.
In that bleak world, arms-bearing, resource-hungry people and nations
would be prone to act on their low-contracted prejudices,
and would have seen the last gasp of human enlightenment...
...Until the rise of a visionary new culture that once again embraces the cosmic perspective:
a perspective in which we are one - fitting neither above, nor below, but within.
January 31, 2020
January 24, 2020
Sometimes I wish this wasn't a vertical-scrolling blog. It's hard to get everything out in the same space and at the same time like you want. I wonder why I think about such things. I also wonder why I wonder about them. I have a good feeling it will make sense in the not-too-distant future. :)
What if I told you I had a game for you to play? You can play it right now, as many times as you want. There is no losing, but winning is possible. The only constraints are the expectations set in place by your mind and experiences on Earth.
I have already won this game. So you must play against me, as I am your teacher. Though I won't see the best ending for some time yet, I already know how far out it is from today - give or take a cycle or two, worst case. But I suspect I know more precisely than that. In fact, I think I know down to the day.
If you were to widen your expectations, you would find a renewed sense of awareness and purpose while playing this game. You may discover not all is as it seems. Rather, a great deal of what is seen is described by higher-dwelling beings as a 'distortion'. It is what you humans refer to as a dimension.
It is a game about everything. When I play, I emphasize that my sessions be about love, mind, discovery, and family. I have found this to be a good starting place. I imagine this would work for you too. But you can prioritize differently from me. And you should feel free to. You must feel free to do so. So, do you want to free?
You must not object if you are still here. I'm happy to see that. :)
I never meant to mislead you. Those emphases can be in any desired order! Or you can change the list, or its order to suit your desired focus. All you have to do is believe it can be done. You do not need a schedule. You do not need a routine. Your desire and mind are all you need.
I happen to know a great deal more about this game than simply the true ending. I also know about the events leading up to the finale. I'm proud of them. Not of the events - proud of everyone part of them. They are my family. My friends. My real family. My real friends. Did I ever mention to you to the dominant color I sought to use for my current music project? Didn't I tell you it would be important? Hmm...either way, it may be more...personally identifying than any of us thought. Even me. Especially me.
Anyway! Most humans don't know about this true ending. They all seek it though, and the proof? Oh, I have that - your eyes are reading these words. I have designed this session to stimulate your want for the true ending. It really helps when all your eyes are open though. Some of us take to this idea sooner than others but it is always very doable with practice! This can help fill any void you feel in your life. Any. Void.
I encourage you to relax. Be happy with yourself. Imagine the stars swirling around your body, on a tiny planet, in an even tinier space upon it; inside a fragile human frame - reading what this crazy pink INFP has to say. Now, swear to yourself you are more than you think you are today. You will be more still. It's easy! Doesn't that sound lovely? In this universe, belief is all you need to ensure your best days are ahead, not behind.
I don't have answers to all your questions, but I have enough. I may even know who has more than that! I'm very proud of him. He is very brave, loving, and unfathomably intelligent. I owe him everything. And, though I'm not totally sure I suspect one day every single entity on the face of the globe will too. But unlike common earth culture, there will be no worship. He is no god, just another person doing his best, fighting for what he loves. The sun sure does seem brighter with him around. He's a bright one, that star of mine.
Perhaps I will connect multiple additional pieces of this game with a common title and numeric notation for your long term convenience. Would that be helpful? If you made it this far there's a chance I have your interest...unless you're one of those sad, ironic souls who thinks they know it all, yet cannot be saved. A strange dichotomy, that one. Anyway, I hope you learned a few things today!
So, I now ask you...when is your finale?
January 21, 2020
The Pieces Worth Keeping
I haven't issued this space one of my famous rants in a while. Anyone will tell you - write about what you know. So that's what I'm doing today.
Estrogen is a hell of a drug. Though I've only been on this journey for over a cycle, the effects are undeniable - and if I do say so myself - lovely. I can only imagine explaining it as if a person were to be born with one working, and one sleeping half of their brain. But then, suddenly the other half begins to wake up! What then? So many doors open all at once! Each one brimming full of stuff that rightfully belongs to you, and indeed did since way before the human memory stretches back.
This isn't about shit talking one side of the spectrum, and buffing up the other. It is about outlining what is important for an individual. How many people do you meet in a year? How many of them would you guess have their shit together? For all those who decidedly don't...can you even begin to imagine all the why's? Now what if one day, they stood and devised a solution, and went for it? That's what we call courage. Anyone who interferes is a coward.
You feel different. You are different. Except, the more you come to learn about the universe, you find that for some, maybe even you, this is how it's supposed to be. And that what you'd been living was a lie, prescribed to you before you were born, by beings who have no idea what they've done to you, much less how much it could hurt in the long run. It isn't entirely their fault, yet they participate willingly all the same.
I am one of those people for whom this is right. I'm lucky...so lucky that in almost no time I've literally felt my life changing. And it hasn't slowed down - in fact, it's sped up. It's not always easy, and I get thrown off balance sometimes. That's what surrounding yourself with the right people is for. I've also been lucky in that I've escaped side effects and, more so than that really, just a lot of your-mileage-may-vary growing pains that come with the territory. I often wonder if it is because in fact, the 'change' is a re-connection with what I had lost.
Of course, none of this is new to all those who were earlier to the party than I. They all say the same things though, and for me that's the beauty of it. Humans, agreeing on something? In today's era? Heresy! That's the sort of moment that makes me feel hopeful for these people. The BEST part for me was, I came to all the same conclusions as those who have discussed it for thousands of pages by myself. That was a nice sense of validation. It was like things were finally starting to make sense - a large series of dot-connecting moments like, "That explains this thing that happened three cycles ago, or twenty." I feel more in tune with a nigh-lost part of myself. I've had so much help from such amazing people. And boy, sometimes, it can be FUN!
With all that said though, I realize it was actually very necessary for somebody to take one for the team. I suppose the good news is all that hard shit is pretty much past. I was a female for hundreds of cycles prior, and I intend to stay that way for way, way longer. Personally..the whole male thing is not my shtick. Speaking only for myself, looking back (and I may be unavoidably biased) I cannot think of a single positive thing about that experience - save one. I was able to carry out my duty in a most crucial moment. Maybe the most important ever. And that makes the ordeal worth it.
There are those among us who can't imagine self-betterment amidst their own manufactured, self-inflicted sphere of misery. Luckily, the universe allows for such whimsical twists of fate to save those who desired for better, but couldn't reach it on their own.
Fortune favors the bold. The game knows - we are the pieces worth keeping.
January 10, 2020
Big Changes Coming
I did not plan to write this post for a very long time. I had hoped to pass it on to those who desperately need it at a specific point in time, but I'm aware now that when that time arrives, there won't be any benefit left. So I decided to do it now. But before I get to my main point I would like get something out of the way.
I am aware completely of the recent cowardly attempts to subvert and sabotage what matters to me, and the very, very real world I am now a small part of once again. I long more than anything in the universe to rejoin that world, and I am absolutely ecstatic to have that privilege bestowed upon me, especially at such a dark hour in Earth's history.
You know who you are, and you will not succeed. And though I forgive you, my disappointment in you pales before the sorrow you have yet to face.
With that out of the way, I made a new page! In it are collected some of my beliefs and live-bys that I'd like shared with the world. There's also a few from other fellow humans which I like very much, but most of them are mine. As time marches on, I will likely add to this new page. I hope it helps someone.
Shifting gears to quickly talk about music, I have taken everything off iTunes and other stores because there is simply no profit in this for me. I do it because I love it. I'm not a promoter and won't be around long enough to need one anyway! So it'll all be on Youtube from now on again. I have plans this year (early, hopefully!) to give my channel a substantial makeover, pushing all old content into one place and remix all of what I consider to be my best material. I'm very excited about this, and you should be too. I know some past releases need to sound better! And I know exactly what to do. In the end, dozens of songs are going to get the treatment they deserve and the channel is going to get a fresh start of sorts.
Oh and by the way, I'm getting VERY close to finishing my FF1 project. Stay tuned for that!! Not long after, we'll see the resume of work on my current music project. I'm looking forward to putting my REAL name on my future releases! Of course, I'll keep my badass new logo so you Earthlings have something to look at.